You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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