one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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