I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
