if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize