Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
