Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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