if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
