I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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