Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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