Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
