hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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