allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
