Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You should frame my arrest warrant.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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