Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
