I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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