ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
