Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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