walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
