Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
