I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
