you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
