Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize