Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
and you fell through a lawn chair
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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