Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
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