oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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