Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
