I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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