I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
