Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
