a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize