my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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