time to smoke my breakfast
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize