he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
