You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
