Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
