i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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