Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
