My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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