omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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