you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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