hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
