I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
