Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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