for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
