Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
