do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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