I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
