I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
