One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
