i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
