i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
