I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
