I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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