ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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