Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
