Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
