He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
