Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
