I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize