It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
