Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
